Ton of Bricks

You ever feel like you've been hit by a mac truck? Ton of bricks?
Or a cement wall......today, {yesterday} I ran smack dead into one.

The thing is..it caught me by massive surprise. Huge surprise. Shock, really. Why am I surprised? I shouldn't be. How dare I begin to get too proud. To think *I* would never have to deal with that. Ever. Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised. Satan, with all his craftiness needed to start working overtime. He {and I don't even want to capitalize that word, but since its the beginning of the sentence, fine.} began to see that he didn't have precedence over the heart of this child. He didn't/doesn't reign here. Oh and believe me he still doesn't....but in his scheming ways, trying to take whats not his, was slick. Funny how that's surprising, right? Who am I to think that we are above dealing with any situation? He started to see how close this child was becoming to their Heavenly Father, how they were making great strides in their own walk with Him, knowing who they are in the Lord, and it made him down right boil, fester really.

And this child was deceived and stumbled.

I think I could've lived my whole life with skipping yesterday. Seriously, one of the hardest {parenting} days of my life.
Empty.
Hallow.
Anger. I was/am angry at myself for not seeing it coming. Angry at how ugly the world has gotten. Angry that my children are in a public school system that indoctrinates them 6+hrs out of the day w/ the enemies agendas. Angry at what Christians have allowed this country to become, how we've just given Satan an open door. Angry at myself for not being a perfect mom {I know its ridiculous, but I'm sure its normal} Angry at culture/Media do I even need to say why?
Heart wrenching sadness. 
Embarrassment.

Just a few of the emotions that went through me....and I couldn't quit. I wanted to quit so bad, to be done with the day, wake up and the nightmare be over. I just needed to get into bed, wrapped in my down comforter and be comforted by the Heavenly Father. I had to keep going. I had school conferences to do. Kids to pick up. {I literally drove 30 miles yesterday in a 3 mile radius}Awana to go to. Grand Prix cars to finish. And all I wanted to do was run far far away....or home.

Panic struck me. 'They' don't realize the ramifications. This is serious. There's no way this happened. This is so far deeper than this person is even able to comprehend. The levels of who it will effect....because our actions always effect others, is more than they even understand right now.


HE did get me through yesterday. So grateful. I, in between times of self-pity, kept His scriptures playing (and replaying) in my mind. And if they stopped, I'd pull out my phone and look up more.

Psalm 31:24
Psalm 138:7
Matt 11:28
Isaiah 40:29-31
Philipians 4:13

His words were a comfort to me.
This song came on at just the right time. Although, I'm sure the car next to me at the stoplight was very concerned for me {I didn't have the guts to look....that would've been weird and uncomfortable.}

Luckily, for this child His mercies are renewed every morning. {not that there won't be consequences}
And although I still don't want to deal with this situation, or talk about it, or be judged.....I know He will work it together for good. I know this ugliness will be used for His glory {why couldn't it be something else??}

Why am I even blogging this? I don't even know. I can't sleep. I was awaken by lil man, and my heart is still broken .  And I started this blog to document our journey....HA! How authentic would that be to only write about all the great foofoo stuff? Life is real. Its hard. And I need to write. 

Life has to go on for us. It doesn't stop. I have other children to parent. I still have to get kids off to school. I have to smile. I have to keep going {or swimming, as Dory says in Nemo} and I can't give into self-pity....because its more about this person, not me. And I wish I would've gotten that one book at Acquire the Fire.

Obviously I used 'vagueness' as not to shame this child. Please respect us and not ask details {even family.} Not kidding. Just pray for this child, as this will likely follow them for years to come.

As I'm pressing the publish button, How Great Thou Art is on the radio. Just thought that was an awesome piece of info.