Saturday, August 13, 2011


I haven't been wanting to blog. I really don't. I know I should, but then there would be evidence of my faithless, whimpering, woe is me attitude......and well, I'd hate to have proof of that. I told a friend recently that I don't want to blog right now because I'm not sure I should be sharing my thoughts. I usually try to have a smile on my face and choose to see the glass half full....but lets be honest here. My life sucks right now. I love my kids, my honey makes me laugh (and scream), I have a supportive family, and an amazing God . I really don't know what I'd do without them. I know that is cliche, but its real. I don't feel like me. If I filter my thoughts, it won't be real, and again....its the journey. If you know me, you know I try to be me. My journey right now is knowing that there is a God, who is my savior, who wants the best for me, but knowing it and feeling it is two completely different things. I don't feel that right now. I keep trying to look at proof of His love for me. Of course when I type this I feel silly, because proof is all around me.

I am not good company, and don't feel like I can carry on a conversation. If you are feeling neglected from me right now, this is why. Sorry. The worst part of this is my heart breaks for my kids. You can mess with the mama, but don't mess with mama's kids. My heart hurts for them. I wish I could change it. I never thought that at this stage in my life, we would be back at ground zero. Starting over. I wanna run, but I can't. So here I am....going through life's roller coaster.....I often tell myself there are people who have it worse off than me, but that doesn't change our crazy, hard reality. Have you ever tried to be grateful for something you don't want? Something you hate? It feels fake. It is fake.

Then there are the people who are constantly judging. I know I shouldn't care, but at this point I do. I don't like that I do. I wish I didn't. One thing I am working on is not judging someone, unless I have been in there exact shoes. People say I'd do this,or I'd do don't really know, unless you've been in the other persons shoes. Like the ones they are currently wearing, chances are you and I haven't. *deep breath* I never thought my life would take these turns. But here I am. Living it. Trying to remain faithful. And I cannot wait for the moment where I am embarrassed by this post.