It's so interesting how life works. And what seems so simple for some, just isn't for others. I think most of my adult life {for me that began at 16, I wasn't the 'typical' teen mom, once I was a mom, that was it} has been a kind of transitioning. I'm always learning, growing, changing, adding, subtracting and researching. I have gone through many facets of beliefs as far as parenting goes. For some its cut throat, for me its been evolving. We've done private school, public school, homeschool, and unschool. We done attachment parenting, for Christians, this is grace-based parenting. We have also been hardcore at times, 'these are the rules, do as we say' and then we had to find a middle ground. A ground that works for us. Some things we won't wither. Some things.....they need to learn on their own.
I think there are seasons to life. It seems our seasons are always changing.
We used to homeschool all 5 of our older children. It was truly an awesome experience. For the most part, I loved it. I was truly a pro-homeschooler. I thought {through alot of prayer and seeking God's will for them/us} it was the best for our kids. We were close.
I had to go to work---retail. No steady schedule. We couldn't go to homeschool pe @ the Y and we couldn't do homeschool co-op {that we loved} anymore. We decided to put the kids in our local public elementary school. It was weird. Overwhelming. Hard. Some of the kids struggled in some areas. They {generalizing} haven't ever been great test takers. {even when Ari & Amia went to elementary school in the beginning years}
We tried to get in the flow of things. Many things were new to us.....me working, what started out as part time ended up being full time.....and while it was needed financially, sacrifices were made. We missed how things used to be, and most of us wanted it back. Avery in particular. He would occasionally ask to be homeschooled. Actually I think they all have at one time or another. I think more that anything we wanted the closeness back. On many occasions, I was told how close my kids were in school. How when they saw each other in the hall ways, they would hug each other, or quietly wave. Or how they could just tell there was something about them. They
loved each other and weren't 'normal' kids. They were nice kids.....and they are. But, in my opinion, some things have changed. They saw things that parents don't want their kids learning about, like
EVER, but at least until their teen years. They heard vulger language and how rudely other kids talked to each other. They learned about mean girls.....among other things. Now, I'm not saying I wanted my kids to live in a bubble. But these things weren't our everyday normal. It took some getting used to.....and some things,
should you ever
have to get used to?! We did sports, and homeschool pe, co-op, and the Y and dance classes and church and Awana....they had friends....they encountered those situations before, just not
every.
day.
Fast-forward 4 years~
The 3 older children go to public school. Avery, virtual academy (online, technically public school) and Alaina homeschools.
We moved from our neighborhood. school. friends.
All the things I've been fighting, I now miss. I've
been missing. I knew in my heart they {Av&La} were too, even though, when I ask them, they deny it. Its human nature. Change is hard. And we miss what once was.......even if it wasn't the best.....or even if it was.
Avery just told me he wants to go back to his old school.
I don't even know if its possible. Or if we are going to allow him to. Its brought forth so much emotion inside.....
ok, outside too......since I've been crying and all!! I feel bad for him. I feel terrible that his expectations weren't met. What he had wanted all these years, wasn't what he received. That he misses his friends, his community, his school. I understand. Because I do too. Change is hard {yes, I know I already said that.}
I wish I could have been able to enroll them in co-op or the Y for PE. Maybe it would've been different......maybe not. But now I'm faced with this, AGAIN for like the 50millionthtrillionth time. And its hard. I don't want to fail. I want to prove all those naysayers WRONG {immature, I know.....but its the truth} and all those who are waiting for me to fail us.
I started writing this post on Thursday. I wrote the end of that last night......among tears. It can be so hard to have the people who are
supposed to support you the most,
not. But today I'm
free. Free from worrying about everyone else. Free from wanting to prove everyone wrong. Free from embarrassment or shame. Free to make decisions for my family w/ my husband and God. I spent alot of time with God this morning and today I have freedom to make the right decision for MY son. Today, I can recognize all those things as I explained before. They are all there, those thoughts and feelings. But they don't bring the sadness they did before. And if, through prayer, we decide that going back to school is the right decision for US.......then
I HAVEN'T FAILED......at all. And there is freedom in that. And that makes me smile.
